Since I give tennis lessons on pretty much a daily basis, and I mainly work with young people, I'd like to offer some kind words of advice to any parents out there looking to get their kid interested in the sport and/or hoping that their kid will be the next Roger Federer or Maria Sharapova. It's amazing how just a few tips can prepare a beginning tennis-parent and/or young champion for the future:
0-0: The first thing you need to do before taking your child to a tennis professional for lessons? How about a little parenting? Try it sometimes. It works. Playing tennis takes discipline -- ya know, like, hitting the ball inside those little line thingies? They aren't just there for decoration. Yet, kids try to play tennis like the lines don't even apply to them. Some of them actually think it's fun to hit the ball OVER the fence. That's because their parents have failed to set boundaries for them. Set a curfew for a kid and say, "Look, dude, you gotta go to bed before 1AM in the morning." Stop negotiating with your kids and tell them what they MUST do, instead of asking them stuff. "Would you like to take a nap now?" Of course s/he doesn't want to take a nap now! Too many parents take their brats out to a tennis instructor and now this poor tennis pro has to deal with a kid that is unable to listen to instructions and is completely unprepared for the discipline that sports demand. You don't have to spank your kids, but you should at least -- oh, I don't know -- pay attention to what they're doing. For real.
1-0: Since you failed to do the parenting thing, recognize that your kids aren't as sweet or as precious as you think they are. I don't mean to sound like Pres. Obama here, but, look, let's be clear: nobody likes your kids. Hell, you don't even like them, and they're yours. Stop bringing your brats out to things like tennis camps or swimming camps or soccer camps and dumping them in some poor sucker's lap. There's a bad seed in the bunch that is ruining things for all the other kids, and it's probably your kid. So if you're wondering why your kid isn't getting any better at tennis, or whatever activity s/he is participating in, understand that your kid is obnoxious and is probably cussing his/her instructor out. Your kid has a stank attitude, talks too much sH!t to people, and is entirely overrated. Also, you're probably wondering why your kid is making straight A's in school but not doing well in a sport like tennis. It's because teachers don't want to see your kid again, so they are promoting him/her to the next grade to get rid of them. Which means...
2-0: Your kid isn't as smart as you think s/he is. No, really. Most of them are pretty dumb, although they have a tendency to act like they know every f*@$ing thing (Gee, I wonder where they are getting that from???). Unfortunately, they don't know their left from their right. Once, I asked a kid to move his left foot, and this guy actually moved his right HAND. Dude, really? Not only do you not have any sense of direction, but you don't know your hand from your foot?! WTF? That's pathetic. Some of them can't count, which makes it very tough to keep score in any sport, but especially in a sport like tennis where people like your kid came up with the weird scoring ("40-Love"). Don't keep them away from sports, just understand that your kid isn't the hottest French fry in the combo. You're on the sidelines going, "Run to the ball," and your kid is standing there going, "What the F*zk is a ball?" Which also leads us to the fact that...
3-0: Your kid isn't as athletically inclined as you think s/he is. I hear lots of stories about how good a kid is and how athletic a kid is, only to meet the kid and discover the kid needs to be taught how to run or the kid throws like s/he just woke up from a 9 year coma and the kid is 10 years old. Your kid isn't as fast as you think s/he is. Your child is awkward, weird looking, and is just now figuring out that the ball is going to the "left" and not the "right". Cut the kid a little slack. You're expecting the kid to be Raphael Nadal. Well, before Raphael Nadal was "Raphael Nadal", I'm sure he was a kid too, and even he probably had to be taught how to do things, like run, jump, backpedal, shuffle, and squat. Raphael Nadal is CRAZY athletic now. Kids are kids. They can't do grown man Raphael Nadal sh!t at 5 years old. Wake the f#$k up.
4-0: You need to stay yo' @ss off the court while the tennis instructor is trying to teach your kid. You're just getting in the way, and if you keep it up, you're going to f#@k it up for everybody. The tennis pro is "the tennis pro" for a reason. Let him/her do his/her job. Don't stand on the sidelines shouting at your kid with lame @ss stuff like, "Move your feet, bud," and "Get your racket back, sweet pea," and other stuff you heard from the tennis commentators on television. Let the tennis pro do the job, that's what the heck you're paying them to do. Nobody just drops in at your job, without knowing anything about your job, and starts shouting things at you and telling you what you need to do to get better. If that's happening to you, then your job is either wayyyyyyyy too easy to do or you need better security at your job. Stop trying to coach from the bleachers. It's irritating, and more than likely you don't know what the f#@k you're talking about. Watch your kid, fine. Cheer for your kid, fine. But start barking instructions at your kid while the tennis pro is trying to teach? You need your @ss kicked.
5-0: How about turning off the television? A sport like tennis takes concentration. A kid needs to be able to concentrate for more than an hour. Most tennis lessons are about an hour. Most tennis matches last a little longer than an hour. How can a kid concentrate if you let them watch TV all the time? TV is built around pockets of "show" (sitcom, drama, reality, whatever) with these little breaks for commercials. At best, they can concentrate for about 12 or 13 minutes, and then they take a break for commercials. Some studies theorize that the commercials are really the "shows", that it's the ads that make TV what it is, and the TV shows we watch are just there to hook us to the tube so we can get blitzed by campaigns for new products. That means, viewers are concentrating for 5 minutes, at most, and then tuning out for the real "show" for 10 to 15 minutes at a time! Turn off the damn television! And for all those parents who say, "Well, my kid doesn't watch any television"? You're full of crap. Your kid sneaks it in when you're not looking or not around, because you aren't paying f*$king attention to what they do. I know this, because the kids tell me this. They tell me all about where they last saved in Grand Theft Auto, the new rated R movie they watched, and which housewife is their favorite on The Real Housewives of Whatever. Pay a-f*!king-ttention.
6-0: Pay your instructor promptly and without fail. And, oh my goodness gracious, don't ever let your checks bounce. More than likely, your tennis pro isn't getting paid enough to deal with your little obnoxious brat. At least pay them what you promised, and do it when you promised, okay?
Got it? Good. Have fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-)
Peace & U.S. Open tickets
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