1. Order - Oh, the beauty of a list brings order out of the chaos of life. Lists make things manageable, palatable even, rather than the haphazard presentation of the mundane. This type of order, of course, is an illusion but that's part of the awesome-ness of it! People who say "ignorance" is bliss are wrong -- well, okay, if you're "ignorant", then it sounds right. But the real bliss is the illusion that you are getting what you want, that things are going the way you planned them. And you get to feel that way every time you track the footsteps of your thoughts with a super duper list. You get to feel like you are in...
2. Control - Slightly different than experiencing order instead of chaos. Who doesn't want "Control"? Seriously, where would Janet Jackson be without it? She'd be doing what her father said and letting her mother mold her. Where would Prince be without control? He'd be just another mere mortal. I'll bet you these types of stars make lists. Musicians in general are fascinated by lists. On their album covers, they list the songs on their albums. They labor over the sequencing of an album. They know listeners like to make playlists. They pay attention to Billboard lists of hot singles and albums. Critics make end-of-year lists about the best music released in a given period of time. It's all about control, and lists allow you to bend reality and manipulate perception. Lists are portals into alternate universes (no Fringe). Lists are awesome, and you too can be awesome for reading one.
3. Numbers - lists are best when they have numbers, and everybody knows numbers are awesome. Especially Roman Numerals, which are especially elegant and sophisticated (thought bubble: Roman = Italy = Opera = Love = Elegance = Sophistication = Order = Lists). Do you wanna be elegant and sophisticated? Hell yeah, you do. And you can, ya know. First, make a list. Feel the Order and Control of it all. Next, use numbers for your list, and if you want that elegant and sophisticated rapport with your reader, add some Roman Numbers up in this mug. Yeah, that's it. Like that. Eye-Ex the hell outta that list. You'll be glad you did ;-)
4. Tough - That's right, lists are "tough", and by "tough" I don't mean they are difficult to put together. Some of them are, especially if you make a list about something and you don't know what the $#1! you're talking about. No, I mean "tough" as in "hardcore". Lists let people know you mean business, that you are not to be trifled with. If somebody is getting on your nerves, and you wanna put 'em in their place, it's a good idea to drop a list on 'em. Some loser is ticking you off? You should be like, "Yo, first of all, motherf#Ak#r, you ain't all that. Second of all, you're an Urkel-sized dork and a nincompoop and that's why you're about to lose your job. And, third, I'm about to twist yo' punk @ss up into a pretzel." See? The fact that you can even make a list at all shows that you ain't playing. Who makes a list when they're ticked off? Who does that? That's crazy! Only the strongest willed among us can pull it off. It shows presence of mind, and a commitment to never cracking under pressure.
5. Sexy - lists are sexy. They must be. That's why when the women-centered magazines talk about "How to Sex Your Man Crazy" and "Things You Don't Know About Your Man's Pillow Talk", they give it to you in a list. It's "Three Sexual Positions to Make Him Stop Thinking About Your Roommate" or "Five Sexy Colors That Will Hypnotize Him" or "Four Shades of Lipstick That Force Him to Listen". It's always a list. Lists evoke sexiness. And lists are sexy in and of themselves. The next time you're trying to impress a potential significant other, make a list right in front of them. Strike up a conversation as you normally would (because walking up to a stranger and showing them a list is kind of Stephen King-y) and when the conversation starts going in the right direction and you want to convince them that you'd be a great person to date, give them a list of fun things you'd like to do with them. If you like, you can borrow some items from a list in a women's magazine. I'm sure there's a list of "Ten Things You Should Tell A Potential Mate If You Want to Show Them Your Sexy Side" at a local checkout counter near you.
Peace & Lots o' listings
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