Gift Wrapping Options: Happy Holidays

So I’m a big fan of recycling so.. on the off chance that you have gifts that you need to wrap here are some eco-friendlier options. Not to mention cheaper.
1. Wrap gifts in the bags that you have around the house. You could use the same bag that the item was in or different ones. It can turn out looking really cool and it this is a good idea for wrapping oddly shaped items that would just look strange with normal wrapping paper.
2. Wrap you gifts in old newspaper magazine pages. If you choose the right advertisements wrapping gifts in mag pages will also work for men.
3. Wrap things in other things. If your buys your … girlfriend for example a scarf wrap the scarf around the bottle of perfume your getting her. it’s a nice option.
4. Use old boxes or even Altoid cans.
5. You can put things in those small Pringles cans.

Get creative don’t waste money, paper and plastic bags. {Especially plastic bags} Not only will the gift getter be happy that you thought of them they will also be surprised to see how you wrapped you item.

Check out this woman's youtube channel for more ideas.
[photo via http://www.creatingreallyawesomefreethings.com/2010/12/christmas-craft-4-recycled-gift-wrap.html]

What to do when it's snowing outside.

It's getting colder and commercials are singing at you. It's time for the holiday's. So, for most of the country it's time for the snow. So be prepared.

1. Drink Hot Chocolate AND WHIP CREAM. Hot Chocolate is a must for when it's snowing, but it's so much better with whip cream. It's like Turkey and Dressing, you could have it without cranberry sauce but why would you ever do that. My favorite Hot Chocolate is Peppermint. Keep that in mind. Also, tea is not the same as hot chocolate. Tea is mainly only acceptable if your sick. But if you must drink tea during this time I suggest Green Tea , and  Apple Cider tea. Green Tea becuase it's a classic, it's like the Matrix of the tea world. 
2. Play Board Games. What other time of year do you get to bust out great vocabulary? Throughout the year you learned that "ai" was a word. Put it on your scrabble board. 
3. Take Photos At this point almost everyone has a digital camera and laptop to upload pictures on. Take pictures of the winter-wonderland outside. There's something cool to take a picture of. Find It.
4. Finally Watch DVD's You probably have some amazing DVD's that you never get a chance to watch. DO IT. Rewatch The Hangover plot out some theories about Inception... hell have a Chris Nolan marathon!
5. Before or After your holiday or snow-time festivities GET YOUR WORK DONE. There are only two reason people ask for breaks, because they are painfully exhausted or because they need a chance to get their work done. Often people confuse the two. Usually I say I'm exhausted when really I'm overwhelmed with work I need to get done. So scratch some things off your to-do-list. 2011 will be happy that you don't have as much work to do.

Yo Da Lay-ee Whoo

Lately, I've become fascinated with yodeling. In music, that is. I promise you, I don't go around yodeling. So check this out -- yodeling, or some facsimile thereof, exists and it's never going away. Here are a few of my favorite yodelers, in the list below, but in no real order other than convenience:

1. Rihanna: Wow, now that girl can yodel. Her voice always sounds super-processed, a little robotic, a little off-kilter, like she's yodeling right below or right above the note she's supposed to be hitting, but that's kind of what makes it work. She's almost made a whole style out of yodeling. Songs that show her getting her yodel on: "Umbrella" (ella)(ella)(ella), "Live Your Life" (yea-ay-yeah-ay-ee-ay), "Run This Town".



2. Joan Osborne: This lady is awesome, and has a great voice. She can also get her yodel on. Listen to her in "Pensacola".



3. Tina Turner: No, she's not known for yodeling. She's known for her dancing -- and really her legs if we're getting right to the heart of it. But check out her yodel in "I Can't Stand the Rain".  That's a yodel.



4. Joni Mitchell: Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got 'til you yodel? When it comes to anything voice-related, Joni Mitchell is only making the list for her pre-gravel-gargling output. (Holy s*!t what happened to her voice?!). She's not as big of a yodeler as, say, Rihanna -- but there's a little warble in there that fits the bill. Try "Big Yellow Taxi".



5. Sarah McLachlan - This lady is a damn fine musician and a heck of a singer. She gets unfairly criticized, in some circles, kind of like how Barry Manilow gets a bad rap for some reason. When you have as many hits as Barry Manilow, then you get to criticize him, okay? Sarah McLachlan's voice is a thing of beauty. But sometimes I feel like she's getting her yodel on.



6. Gwen Stefani - The No Doubt front woman isn't normally a yodeler, but she went for the yodeling gusto on her second solo joint. Try this: "Wind It Up".



Peace & Happy yodeling!!!!

Post View Tuesdays

Last Tuesday (December 7, 2010) - "Last Tuesday" is what you get when I keep missing the preview for the upcoming Tuesday. Anyhoo, here are the albums that came out last week that I totally didn't see coming, or I saw coming but totally didn't mention that I saw coming, in which case it just looks like I didn't see it coming even though I totally did...

1. Natasha Bedingfield, "Strip Me" - Wow, what a title! It's not what you think, though. The title track, and the video that goes with it, don't speak to anything salacious. It's more about seeing the person underneath the trappings of life - materialism, role playing, and the like. I am totally on board with Bedingfield's voice. I'm not quite on board with the production that I've heard so far. But I've only heard the title track. Hopefully, the rest of the album isn't as generic and nondescript as that track.

2. Daft Punk, "Tron Legacy" - This is the soundtrack to the movie based on the old Tron stuff from the '80s. I'm excited about Daft Punk doing anything. I'm not so excited about the movie. Seems like yet another way to cash in on ideas that have already been sold a few times in the past. There was a Tron movie, I think, back in the day, with merchandise to go along with it. Now here it comes again. It's like detergent. You get the original detergent. Then they come out with the lemon scented kind. Then there's the detergent that has fabric softener added to it. Then they sell you the one with a color safe bleach. Then they sell you another type in a goofy-shaped bottle. Then they sell it to you in individual sizes or family sizes. Then they have one that has a festive, holiday scent, like fresh pine cones. On and on...But Daft Punk - yeah, dig them.

3. Deadmau5, "4x4=12" -  Basically, it's like this: Joel Zimmerman, a Canadian DJ, is dropping a DJ-album. That *should* mean it's going to be built around previously released tracks, probably from other artists, and they will flow together in an interesting mix. Which *should* mean you can dance to it. Which *should* mean that sequence and mood and tempo will be paramount. Which *should* mean some thought will have gone into it. Which *should* mean it's not slapped together. Which *should* mean you'll dig it. But maybe not.

4. Duffy, "Endlessly" - Duffy is the blond and Welsh singer who is delivering her second album. Gotta admit, I didn't love her first one, but it wasn't because the songs weren't well written or well executed. I actually thought they were. I'm not a fan of her voice is all. It's a little too sandpapery and squeaky for my delicate ears. I don't see her voice changing much for the second album, so I don't think I'll be a fan. Her style often gets lumped into the same category as Amy Winehouse, although I'm not totally convinced the comparisons are apt. What I am convinced of is that neither of these women should be bundled under the label "neo soul", and that's what a lot of critics are doing. Don't believe the hype.

5. T.I., "No Mercy" - I'm interested in this. I actually own a copy of this. I've only listened to three songs so far. What I heard, I liked a lot more than I expected to. Not because I dislike T.I.; I've grown to enjoy his style and even his southern accent. I just thought this album would sound a little rushed, but so far, so good. I might have to say more about this as I listen to it.

6. Hinder, "All American Nightmare" - I'm interested, but I'm not sure why.

7. Jessica Simpson, "Happy Christmas" - Jessica Simpson? Hmmm...okay.  Christmas music? Bah, humbug.

8. Adam Lambert, "Acoustic Live!" EP - An idol from American Idol brings another release. I'm not really big on listening to American Idol contestants once they're done with the show, so I don't see myself getting into this. I'm not sure why I tie the singers so close to the show, but that's how it comes out. It's not fair, but it is what it is. I do, however, think Adam Lambert is talented.

9. Plain White T's, "Wonders of the Younger" - I'm completely not interested, but I'm not sure why.

10. Charlie Wilson, "Just Charlie" - Charlie Wilson was a member of the R&B-funk outfit The Gap Band. I dig the Gap Band tremendously. Charlie Wilson on his own? I like the idea that he is making music. I've even heard some of it. I've even kinda liked what I heard. But I'm always kind of "meh" about it. Can't figure out why. Wilson has done a great job keeping himself somewhat plugged in through hanging out with rappers and doing hooks for them and singing in the background on their records. Snoop seems to love him, so, yeah.

Post-View Sundays

Last week, I missed "Preview Tuesday". That's when I was supposed to highlight some new music coming out and predict which ones might be worth checking out. So it's Sunday, and maybe we don't have preview capability for the November 30, 2010 release date, but we can do a post-view, or after-view, on it, right? Accordingly, the list below highlights some of those releases...

1. Eric Benet, "Lost in Time" - I haven't heard this yet but I'm excited about it. Benet is an excellent musician, and an interesting songwriter. I think, though, I'll take his musicianship and rank it ahead of his songwriting-ship. But that's all right. This might be a good one.

2. Black Eye Peas, "The Beginning" - So I'm not so excited for this one. The thing is, I'm never all that excited for BEP, but after some time elapses, I usually settle into two or three of their songs.  They strike me as too lyrically lightweight. That's why I don't get pumped for them. But the beats are usually worth nodding to. We'll see. If I have time to listen, I will. If I don't, I won't. Depends on how my free time shakes out.

3. Fefe Dobson, "Joy" - I really like Fefe Dobson. Her debut really struck me, although I felt it was a little Avril Lavigne-ish. Fefe does "jilted black rocker chick" pretty well. Doesn't matter if I don't have time for this. I'll make time.

4. Flo Rida, "Only One Flo (Part 1)" - It would be easy to hate on a rapper like Flo Rida. He's got that weird double entendre thing going with his rap name. This album has that weird "Flo" thing on in the title. The title claims to be a "part 1", which means he's got to do a "part 2". I don't know. I'm not feeling this.

5. Chrisette Michele, "Let Freedom Reign" - Chrisette Michele's retro vibe and pseudo-Billie Holiday presentation is starting to appeal to me. The title track has rappers Talib Kweli and Black Thought helping out, so, really, how bad can it be? It's got a bit of substance to it, so I'm curious about the rest of the album.

6. Ron Isley, "Mr. I" - Ron Isley, of the Isley Brothers? Checking this out is mandatory. No question.

7. Slim Thug, "The Thug Show" - Right, right. Don't judge a book by its cover, but the rap name and the album title are keeping me at bay here. I'll check this out just to satisfy myself that I'm not just being a hater.

8. Soulja Boy, "The DeAndre Way" - Say what you want about Soulja Boy, you know good and well you bumped to "Crank That" at least once. Soulja Boy has dances. And chants. And they are kind of catchy. I probably won't check this out, though, but I already know I'm not a hater on this one. Just not really something that interests me.

9. Jazmine Sullivan, "Love Me Back" - Hmm...a little bit of pop, hip-hop, and R&B? I don't expect anything groundbreaking here, but I'm slightly curious. Did you know Sullivan has received 7 Grammy nominations? I don't think a whole lot of the Grammys, so that makes me think I might not like her new album. Weird, huh? On the other hand, she's only 23. She's got time to grow. I might check this out just to see how she's progressing.

10. Steve Wynn, "Northern Aggression" - There's no excuse not to check this out. I love it when folks from the '80s continue to release records, if for no other reason than I love it when people react with nonsense like, "Why is this person still trying to make music? They'll never reclaim their peak years. Why don't they just quit?"  That's funny to me because most people suck at their jobs, and yet you don't see us coming down to those people's jobs with critiques like, "Damn, dude. Why are you still bagging groceries? You'll never bag groceries as awesomely as you did in your prime. You might as well give it up."

Peace, love, & lots o' harmonies!!!!

Music I'm Enjoying A Lot Lately

To me, there's nothing better than great music. Music is my addiction, my inspiration. It keeps me going. Here are some albums I've been listening to a lot lately, in no particular order other than the fact that numbering them is a necessity:

1. Robyn: Body Talk pt 1, pt. 2, and pt. 3 - Robyn's "Body Talk" series is definitely kick@ss. She knows how to do this electro-pop thing (and acoustic pop and dance pop and pop-rap)  in a way that sounds fresh. She released 3 parts this year, with some repetition of the first two parts on the 3rd release. That's okay, though, 'cause this is the digital age and if you get a little repetition, it's not a big deal, 'cause you can make your own CDs and playlists, as you see fit. Fun music, with paper cuts (that means "edge"). Songs I actually repeat: "Don't F*cking Tell Me What To Do", "Criminal Intent", "None of Dem", "Fembot", and "U Should Know Better".

2. The Dead Weather, Sea of Cowards - What's sick is that Jack White has a new fan (me!) and he doesn't know it -- and if he did know it, I don't think he'd care. Whatever, his side band The Dead Weather is my new addiction. Jack's on drums a lot, which is cool, but I dig the trade off on vocals between Jack and Alison Mosshart. Really cool dynamic. She rocks out as hard as P!nk pretends to (*smirk*). (And I like P!nk). Songs I actually repeat: "Blue Blood Blues", "Hustle & Cuss", "Gasoline".

3. k-os, The Anchorman Mixtape - This guy's a rapper-musician-singer-songwriter from Canada, and this free mixtape is really good. I totally dig it, all the way. It uses the movie "The Anchorman" as a theme, with snippets from the movie tacked to the beginning of the songs, but it's not irritating. What's awesome is the scope and breadth of the music. Is there anything k-os can't do? He's singing, he's doing rock, he's rapping, he's doing patois, he's popping popcorn, he's "The 5th Black Beatle" and "The Fourth Fugee". Songs I actually repeat. All of them. It goes by too quickly. [Download it]

More music later, but right now these are the ish.

Peace & Happy listenng...

Best Thanksgiving Items

What food do you most associate with Thanksgiving? My guess would be Turkey. And then, associated with the Turkey would be dressing or stuffing. But what's good about the Thanksgiving menu aside from the obvious Turkey? Wrote a list about it. Wanna see it? Here it goes:

1. Cranberry sauce - if I can't have (good) cranberry sauce with a Thanksgiving meal, the whole thing seems pointless.

2. Corn - I love corn, especially on the cob. Somehow, though, I never end up having corn on the cob on Thanksgiving. So creamed corn is my runner-up.

3. Broccoli (steamed or boiled) - This isn't going to appeal to everyone. This is just what I like. Broccoli seems so simple, so obvious. But never underestimate the power of simplicity.

4. Sweet potato pie - even the name sounds delicious!

5. Salad - this is cheating, because "salad" isn't a single food. It's a composite of a bunch of foods. But I have to have salad, as often as possible and as much as possible. Love it.

6. Macaroni & Cheese - I'm not a huge fan of mac & cheese, normally. But for a holiday dinner it gets transformed into something great. It's the cheese part I'm usually not partial to, but I don't mind it on the big days.

7. Rolls - Hot rolls go well with Turkey & Dressing. I prefer rolls to cornbread. Cornbread is a jealous bread. It crumbles a little when you try to eat it in hopes that you will choke and need someone to perform the Heimlich. That's really uncool.

8. Greens - I'll take turnip greens, but I like collards better.

9. Baked apples - really tasty. Used to have these when I was a kid. With honey. Success.

10. Green bean casserole - ever had this? It's pretty good. Squeaks into the number 10 position.

Peace & Hope your Thanksgiving was grand.

Compliments!

Compliments (not to be confused with "complements") are awesome to give, and even better to receive. But if you listen closely you will find that there is variety in the way they are communicated. The list below offers a few examples:

1. Straightforward. This is obvious. A person just gives you a compliment. Typical construction: "Derek, you do a good job of _________."  Fill in the blank: listening, running, making Lego castles, choosing cantaloupe, planning weddings, recording television shows, etc.

2. Backwards. To the compliment giver, this may seem like a straightforward comment, but it isn't. Typical construction: "Francine, you're not bad at ____________." Fill in the blank: listening, running, making Lego castles, choosing cantaloupe, planning weddings, recording television shows, etc. Saying a person doesn't suck at something isn't the same as saying they're good at it.

3. Left-handed. Ahhh, the left-handed compliment. This remark is so sly it hardly feels like a compliment at all. Sometimes it combines elements of the Backwards compliment into its delivery. Typical construction: "Paula, for a girl with ___________, you sure do ___________!" Fill in the blanks: big feet / run fast; balance issues / dance well; so little experience / handle yourself well in meetings.

4. Sarcastic tone. On paper, this one looks like a straightforward compliment, but the tone gives it away. It's a compliment, but with a hint of jealousy, spite, or anger. Typical construction: "Wow, you sure ARE ______________".  Fill in the blank: lucky, tall, getting a lot done today, etc. Listen to the way the words are spoken.  Tone is the body language of spoken communication.


5. Hyperbole: This one goes above and beyond the call of a typical compliment. Usually the speaker is expressing the utmost enthusiasm, often accompanied by similes and metaphors. Typical construction: "Gosh, your __________ is as ___________ as ______________."  Fill in the blanks: jump shot / smooth / Michael Jordan; piano / large / a woolly mammoth; drawing / accomplished / Picasso.

Thanks for taking the time to check this out. You guys are ___________. Fill in the blank: Great readers, an awesome audience, terrific e-citizens.

Peace & Kind Words!!!!!!!!!!!

Preview Tuesdays (but it's Monday)

In the United States, music and DVDs are released on Tuesdays. This week, music seems to be coming out on Monday (that's today). On Preview Tuesdays, we're going to tell you about some selections that are coming out, and give you our thoughts on albums we probably haven't heard at all. That's pretty much the way it used to work before the days of the Internet anyway. Ahhhh, the good old days. When all you heard was a song on the radio and had to guess about the rest of the album. I'm feeling nostalgic:

Albums releasing on November 22, 2010:

1. Kanye West, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy: You should get this. It's dope. All kinds of weird symbolism, great production, plus Kanye's brutal and awkward manipulation of the English language. It's a polarizing album, with some people saying it's the best thing since humans developed thumbs and other people saying it's garbage. It's somewhere in the middle, but way closer to being as awesome as having thumbs. [Update: Rolling Stone gave this album a 5 out of 5, which is a big deal, but Pitchfork has given this album a 10 out of 10, which is like, holy (beep) because Pitchfork has a reputation for hating everything.][PopMatters just gave this album a 10 out of 10, and they almost never give a 10. The album is definitely sick. I probably would give it an 8 or a 9. It's more of a 9 if I'm allowed to add Kanye's free G.O.O.D. Friday tracks to it.]

2. Akon, Akonic: Not a big Akon fan. I always see "Akorn" first and then I realize it's "Akon". I respect this guy's hustle, though, but I'm not excited about hearing this one. Album title is kind of wack, too. Kanye's album title is long, but it's cool to me. Akonic is just...the opposite.

3. The Alchemist, Gutter Water: I like the Alchemist on production. There's a stigma attached to being a producer who raps. Most rap heads think producers can't rap. I think it's more that producers do such a great job with the beats and the music, their rhymes get overshadowed. Large Professor is a strong rapper, if you need an example to settle a bet.  The Alchemist? He's not bad. I think Oh No (Madlib's brother) is participating in this too. I'm interested in this album for the beats, for sure.

4. Lloyd Banks, H.F.M. 2 (Hunger For More 2): I don't like sequels. I don't remember the first Hunger For More. I don't like acronyms for album titles. I don't listen to Fiddy Cent or the Lethal Interjection Crew his G-Unit crew, of which Lloyd Banks is a member. Notice, I didn't say, "I don't like Fiddy Cent or G-Unit", I simply said I don't listen to them. There's a big difference. I'm open to liking them, I just haven't listened much. I'm not excited about this release, though, but I would expect it to at least be average.

5. Darkwater, Where Stories End: Darkwater is a Swedish band that does prog metal. Some folks are recommending this, and I haven't heard their debut, but I gather there are lots of guitar solos and some vocal harmonizing. Eh, we'll see.

6. Kevin Eubanks, Zen Food: This guy, former bandleader and sidekick on Jay Leno's Tonight Show, is an awesome musician. He kind of played himself being the butt of the joke for Jay Leno, who is about as funny as a comatose squirrel. This is a jazz record, and I expect it to be kind of mellow, maybe with a few flourishes hear and there, but it's not going to be something that has a lot of surprises. My guess is that it will be technically proficient, but it ain't gonna convert non-jazz listeners into overnight fans. It might be of interest to hardcore jazz enthusiasts (both of them). I plan on getting to this after I've caught up on a couple of things I missed earlier in the year.

7. Ke$ha, Cannibal (EP): Honestly, I'm not really interested in this, but her music seems to move units, and I'm always fascinated by what ends up being popular. She's a singer and she raps a little bit, so, yeah, okay. You never know. It could be enjoyable. Plus, it's only an EP, which means it's short even though EP stands for "Extended Play".

8. Killing Joke, Absolute Dissent: What I'm hearing is that this is the first album recorded by this band's ORIGINAL lineup since 1982. That gets my attention right there. Early reviews say it's energetic, and the lead vocalist Jaz Coleman may be in fine form. What worries me is that the band is using Auto-Tune. It bothers me that it's being used, number one, but also the use is supposedly terrible in rap but not terrible in other genres, such as rock and metal. It's hard to tell what to make of this, so I might have to take a listen. When rock and metal albums are "good" to critics, they start using words like "anthemic", "apocalyptic", and "stadium scale". Sometimes, that means "epic" or "breathtaking". Other times, it just means "loud". I'm on the fence on this, probably to err on the side of listening to it and not taking the chance on missing something good.

Adam rants about Auto-Tune: New motto for 2010: "Thou Shalt Not Auto-Tune Jaz Coleman"

9. Nicki Minaj, Pink Friday: Nicki has a great verse on Kanye's song "Monster", and it's great to see a female rapper with an album that people are anticipating. There were albums and mixtapes by females in 2010 and most of this material ranged from solid to great. I haven't joined the Nicki Minaj à bandwagon yet, but I've listened to 3 mixtapes of her material, and I find her to be "all right". I'm not going to compare her to other female rappers, because that's the trap - a girl gets her emcee on, and then all the boys run to compare her to all the other girls, and then the girls start beefing with each other until they all get dragged into obscurity. Compared to all emcees on the market right now, she's competent, and her accents are humorous. I don't see hardcore hip hop heads loving this album, because I sense a little bit of indecision in terms of subject matter and execution, but it's at least worth a spin.

10. My Chemical Romance, Danger Days: The True Lives of The Fabulous Killjoys - I'm really curious about this one. I dig My Chemical Romance because they don't just rock, they RAWK! For some reason, though, I don't put them on many of my car mixes. They're on my iPod but not on any playlist. Anyway, the title of their new album intrigues me, and I'm a sucker for a good title. There's also talk of this album being like a concept album, along the lines of David Bowie's Ziggy Stardust, and I ride for Ziggy, so if I ride for Ziggy, and My Chemical Romance rides for Ziggy, then by the transitive property, I must also ride for My Chemical Romance.

11. Ne-Yo, Libra Scale: I respect Ne-Yo's songwriting hustle. I respect his singing voice too. I'm just not in love with R&B right now, and I'm not interested in the usual themes of dancing, having sex (or, listening to songs about other people having it), and breaking up. Now, I'm not totally sure that's what this album is about, but that's my estimation and I'm sticking to it. I'm not hating on the formula, but I just think I'm going to go a different way this time.

12. Robyn, Body Talk: Swedish awesomeness Robyn writes pop songs the way Muhammad Ali used to box. She's crafty. She doesn't always come right at you. She sneaks up on you. She's witty and clever and all kinds of subversive, but she's also a woman with a big heart. Don't think she's missing a heart just because she doesn't wear it on her sleeve. She's complex and multi-layered, that's all. Body Talk is the 3rd release this year from her. The first two parts were pretty good, with some danceable tracks as well as acoustic work. Those were like EPs. This is supposed to be longer, but a big chunk of the songs are from the first two parts. A 3rd of the album will be new songs. I wish they were all new songs. I don't like paying for songs twice. Nevertheless, I'm going to check this album out ASAP.

13. Royksopp, Senior: 2009's Junior was very, very good. This Norwegian duo is fun and really eccentric. This is trip hop music, and it definitely bumps, although it can sometimes get a little repetitive. Some of it is great for playing in the background, which is not an insult at all. It's well-composed. Music that bothers you is a nuisance. I don't think this album will fall into that category.

Peace & Happy play list making!!!!!!!!!!!!

Robots Have Feelings Too!

Entertainment culture (is that an oxymoron?) has richly developed the idea of robots, computers, and technology. There is an intersection between robots (and other machines) and the fear that humans will be supplanted by the robots/machines they've created. There's also a subtle play on stoicism, or lack of feeling, when it comes to robots, as movies and books search for, and question, the root of existence and what it really means to be human. Robots are either out to kill "us", become "us", or serve "us". It seems rare that robots are only trying to be themselves, whatever that may entail.

The list below outlines just a few of the recognizable robots/machines that we have seen in popular culture:

1. Frankenstein: First of all, Frankenstein is not the name of a robot. Frankenstein is the doctor that created the monster.  Second of all, Frankenstein's monster is a "monster", not a robot. Frankenstein is a character in Mary Shelley's novel, and he uses his scientific knowledge to create a human-like creature that's about 8 feet tall. Although Frankenstein's monster isn't a robot, the novel nevertheless explores issues that have become staples in robot lore and entertainment: namely, the idea that humans create machines, and then machines do unpredictable things, and the comedy or tragedy of the experience illuminates something important about life and humanity.

C-3PO

2. R2-D2 and C-3PO: These are droid characters from the Star Wars film. Both end up serving humans. R2-D2 is small, with a rounded top, and looks a little bit like a small trash can. It also reminds me of the actor Danny DeVito (I'm really sorry). R2-D2 doesn't use words to speak. It communicates through a series of sounds. The humanoids in the movie will be like, "R2-D2, what do you see?" and R2-D2 will be like, "Squiggle, bleep, bleep, squeak, honk, blit blit hum" and the humanoid will be like, "You're right. We should have made a left at that last galaxy."

C-3PO hangs out with R2-D2.  C-3PO is tall and thin, and looks like he was made out of a big stash of King Tut's gold. He has big bug eyes, though, which makes him look weird to me, like he's standing in the middle of the street and a bus is coming at him real fast.

Danny DeVito

R2-D2

 

 

 

 

3. The Terminator - In the original 1984 Terminator film, California, Governor Arnold Schwartzenegger (before he was Governor) plays a cyborg (part living organism, part machine) that has been sent back in time to kill a woman named Sarah Conner.  Apparently, in the first cycle of human history, machines end up attacking humans, leading to a world war between humans and machines. The machines are getting the upper hand, but the humans are resisting under the leadership of John Conner (yep, same initials as Jesus Christ). The machines decide they've had enough of John Conner and his crew, so the machines decide to cheat. They are going to send a cyborg (Schwartzenegger) back in time to kill John's mother Sarah before she ever gets pregnant with John. Kind of like King Herod in the Bible trying to kill all of the young boys in Bethlehem because he didn't want to be usurped by the "anointed one". Except here, when the Terminator is coming after her, Sarah doesn't even know what's going on or that she's ever going to have a child.

Then the story gets weird (spoiler alert). Future John Conner sends a soldier (Kyle) back to protect his mother. Kyle and Sarah manage to escape the Terminator's clutches, but Kyle dies in the process. Kyle and Sarah conceive a child (John), and Sarah makes a series of audio tapes telling John about what she's experienced. At some point in the future, he'll probably have to decide whether or not to send Kyle back, which is going to be kind of awkward if he knows he's sending back his own father. If he doesn't send his father back, of course, he won't exist, and therefore the machines will win. Ouch. Makes my head hurt. The other movies in the series add twists to the original idea, but the execution can get a little goofy (i.e. liquid metal cyborgs, female cyborgs, fallout shelters, odd jokes).

4. Johnny Five - This is a machine/robot from the movie Short Circuit. Originally designed as a military killing machine, the robot gets struck by lightning and suddenly becomes self-aware. Instead of trying to kill, it develops a Zen-like consciousness. The robot is affable and amazingly curious, reading everything it can get about every subject. The robot is supposed to be disassembled, but is befriended by an animal activist (played by Ally Sheedy) and wants to stay alive.

Singer-songwriter Janelle Monae explores these types of sci-fi topics in her music. Her 2007 music album Metropolis: Suite I (The Chase) and her 2010 album The ArchAndroid (Suites II and III) share this theme of robots being targeted for destruction because they have behaved outside of their initial programming parameters. In her albums, Monae plays the role of android Cindi Mayweather. When the android falls in love with a human named Anthony Greendown, Mayweather is hunted and marked for dis-assembly.

5. The Machines of the Matrix - In The Matrix trilogy, machines have taken over the world and are harvesting humans as a source of energy. Humans are grown in little pods (it's not clear how, or if, human reproduction is occurring). While the humans are growing, the machines feed their minds with data and imagery that makes humans believe they are living in a world that looks very much like our own. This world (which the humans refer to as "the matrix") is a fantasy world created by the machines.  The Matrix is about the human journey to unplug from this fantasy world, and join the resistance against the dominance of artificial intelligence.  There's a lot of the same savior symbolism that you find in The Terminator flicks: the chosen one, named "Neo" (an anagram of "one"), will liberate his people from involuntary servitude.  There's also a lot of computer programming talk and geek-speak in the Matrix films.

Superman fights against a Super Computer

Superman, after a tough day.

6. Gus Gorman's machine in Superman III: Gus Gorman (played by Richard Pryor) has trouble finding jobs but discovers he is something of a wiz when it comes to computer programming. His talents are then utilized by a ruthless rich fat cat Ross Webster and his sister Vera.  Through a series of schemes (GIGANTIC SPOILER ALERT), the Websters will use computers (via Gus's programming skills) to manipulate the economy and get even wealthier. Unfortunately, Superman (played by the most awesome Superman of all time, Christopher Reeve) keeps f@#king it up for them. They get Gus to tap into a satellite to try to kill Superman with some outer-space bootleg kryptonite (exposure to which is Superman's weakness), but it only turns him evil. While he's having a total identity crisis and acting like a diva (straightening the Leaning Tower of Pisa, blowing out the Olympic Torch during the cherished ceremonies, going on alcoholic binges, having one-night stands, etc.), the Websters are building Gus Gorman a super-computer, one that will do anything you tell it to do. It will even analyze an oncoming threat and figure out its opponent's weaknesses. Predictably, Gus Gorman's version of Frankenstein's monster starts doing things on its own, and goes all out of control and haywire, eventually turning on its creators and really ticking Superman off.

A lot of people think this movie sucks, but I respectfully disagree. Richard Pryor is funny in it, and its theme of how "good" and "evil" can often look alike, overlap, and intertwine is better executed than it has any right to be. Is it even possible to make a "good" movie about an alien with superpowers who wears his underwear on top of his primary colored tights but believes in "truth, justice, and The American Way?" Saying such a movie is corny is like saying you don't like rock music because they play guitar all the time.  It kind of comes with the territory. But that's a topic for another list.

We'll have to do more on this at another time.

Peace & Robotics!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just Like Candy

You like candy, I suppose. Of course you do! Who doesn't? Here are some of my favorite candies (and candy bars):

1. Mike 'N' Ikes: I'm totally confused as to who "Mike" and "Ike" are. There are a lot of cool "Mike"s. Michael Douglas. Michael Jackson. Michael Jordan. Michael Landon. Michael Madsen. Michael J. Fox. There are some losers too. Take Michael Dukakis, for example. But I can only think of one "Ike" that has a great reputation. Dwight Eisenhower is sometimes called "Ike". But his name doesn't come up when people are talking about great Presidents or anything. There's also Ike Turner, but again, not a great rep. I think people sometimes refer to Isaac Hayes as "Ike". Now, Isaac Hayes always struck me as amazingly cool and awesome. Regardless of who Mike and Ike are, their candy is the bomb. There's a citrus flavor that's totally amazing, but the tropical and original flavors are great too. They look like big @ss prescription pills, so you can pretend you're self-medicating. Hmm...that sounded a lot better in theory than in actual description.

2. Twix: What the f*$k is Twix? A pair of nun chucks? I don't even get it, but it's just so uncommonly good. It's got that whole nougat thing happening so you break it apart and little strings of synthetic goodness stretch like a spider web from one side to the other. Twix is just two sticks of chocolate-covered awesomeness. I can't figure out why there are two sticks there, or what the point of it all is. Why is it even called "Twix"? Sounds like a word a poet from the 1700s would try to roll with. Heaven most be made out of nougat, and I absolutely ride for nougat. Sh!t is ridonkulous.

3. Peppermint Candy - This is so old school, but if you're not down with peppermint candy, son, I don't know about you or your politics. Peppermint candy has the red and white from the American flag, so you really oughta know that, here in the United States, peppermint candy is a measure of your patriotism. No doubt. Peppermint is just so gangsta the way it goes all up in your nostrils and makes you feel like you're smelling the purest part of the air. It cranks up the oxygen to a high molecular level and takes you up to the heavens.  In the Bible's Book of Genesis, when the Lord says, "Let us make man," He handed out peppermints to whomever he was saying that to and they were like, "Dag, bro, this is good. You made this? My God!" The York Peppermint Patty falls into this spot as well.

4. Kit Kat -- Kind of like the Twix thing, but a little smaller. I like the chocolate combined with the wafers. It's got a nice taste, kind of coconut-y, although I realize manufacturers sometimes use chocolate to cover up things that are spoiled, old, and rancid. But so what? It's candy, right? Any-whoo, I like the way Kit Kat looks - like 4 little brown bars, which reminds me of gold bars. If you don't like gold, you're just not human.

I don't love Kit Kat's advertising campaign with all that "Gimme a break" stuff and "Break me off a piece of that" nonsense. It's stupid. Yeah, you eat Kit Kat by breaking it off but that's fairly obvious. It basically has seams in the candy that practically demand you to break it apart. The commercial is supposed to tell you stuff you don't know about the product. What's the next Kit Kat ad campaign going to be, "Swallow the food! Swallow the food! Swallow that Kit Kat and digest that bar!" Duh.

5. Almond Joy - If you like almonds and you like joy, you've got to dig this. Coconut, chocolate, and almonds are delish! Almond Joy is so f#!king good, I don't know why they kept making Mounds. Everybody knows Mounds sucks and I don't know a single person who eats it.  Terrible. Almond Joy, on the other hand, is as good as its name implies.

6. Sour anythings. Sour worms. Sour bears. Sour candies are awesome, they kick you in the back of the throat but then they get sweet in your stomach. That ish is crazy! Love me some sour stuff. Any kind, any brand. Bring it on.

Peace & Good Hygiene! ! !

You Want YOUR Kid To Be a Tennis Pro?!

Since I give tennis lessons on pretty much a daily basis, and I mainly work with young people, I'd like to offer some kind words of advice to any parents out there looking to get their kid interested in the sport and/or hoping that their kid will be the next Roger Federer or Maria Sharapova. It's amazing how just a few tips can prepare a beginning tennis-parent and/or young champion for the future:

0-0: The first thing you need to do before taking your child to a tennis professional for lessons? How about a little parenting? Try it sometimes. It works. Playing tennis takes discipline -- ya know, like, hitting the ball inside those little line thingies? They aren't just there for decoration. Yet, kids try to play tennis like the lines don't even apply to them. Some of them actually think it's fun to hit the ball OVER the fence. That's because their parents have failed to set boundaries for them. Set a curfew for a kid and say, "Look, dude, you gotta go to bed before 1AM in the morning." Stop negotiating with your kids and tell them what they MUST do, instead of asking them stuff. "Would you like to take a nap now?" Of course s/he doesn't want to take a nap now! Too many parents take their brats out to a tennis instructor and now this poor tennis pro has to deal with a kid that is unable to listen to instructions and is completely unprepared for the discipline that sports demand. You don't have to spank your kids, but you should at least -- oh, I don't know -- pay attention to what they're doing. For real.

1-0: Since you failed to do the parenting thing, recognize that your kids aren't as sweet or as precious as you think they are. I don't mean to sound like Pres. Obama here, but, look, let's be clear: nobody likes your kids. Hell, you don't even like them, and they're yours. Stop bringing your brats out to things like tennis camps or swimming camps or soccer camps and dumping them in some poor sucker's lap. There's a bad seed in the bunch that is ruining things for all the other kids, and it's probably your kid. So if you're wondering why your kid isn't getting any better at tennis, or whatever activity s/he is participating in, understand that your kid is obnoxious and is probably cussing his/her instructor out. Your kid has a stank attitude, talks too much sH!t to people, and is entirely overrated. Also, you're probably wondering why your kid is making straight A's in school but not doing well in a sport like tennis. It's because teachers don't want to see your kid again, so they are promoting him/her to the next grade to get rid of them. Which means...

2-0: Your kid isn't as smart as you think s/he is. No, really. Most of them are pretty dumb, although they have a tendency to act like they know every f*@$ing thing (Gee, I wonder where they are getting that from???). Unfortunately, they don't know their left from their right. Once, I asked a kid to move his left foot, and this guy actually moved his right HAND. Dude, really? Not only do you not have any sense of direction, but you don't know your hand from your foot?! WTF? That's pathetic. Some of them can't count, which makes it very tough to keep score in any sport, but especially in a sport like tennis where people like your kid came up with the weird scoring ("40-Love"). Don't keep them away from sports, just understand that your kid isn't the hottest French fry in the combo. You're on the sidelines going, "Run to the ball," and your kid is standing there going, "What the F*zk is a ball?" Which also leads us to the fact that...

3-0: Your kid isn't as athletically inclined as you think s/he is. I hear lots of stories about how good a kid is and how athletic a kid is, only to meet the kid and discover the kid needs to be taught how to run or the kid throws like s/he just woke up from a 9 year coma and the kid is 10 years old. Your kid isn't as fast as you think s/he is.  Your child is awkward, weird looking, and is just now figuring out that the ball is going to the "left" and not the "right". Cut the kid a little slack. You're expecting the kid to be Raphael Nadal. Well, before Raphael Nadal was "Raphael Nadal", I'm sure he was a kid too, and even he probably had to be taught how to do things, like run, jump, backpedal, shuffle, and squat. Raphael Nadal is CRAZY athletic now. Kids are kids. They can't do grown man Raphael Nadal sh!t at 5 years old. Wake the f#$k up.

4-0: You need to stay yo' @ss off the court while the tennis instructor is trying to teach your kid. You're just getting in the way, and if you keep it up, you're going to f#@k it up for everybody. The tennis pro is "the tennis pro" for a reason. Let him/her do his/her job. Don't stand on the sidelines shouting at your kid with lame @ss stuff like, "Move your feet, bud," and "Get your racket back, sweet pea," and other stuff you heard from the tennis commentators on television. Let the tennis pro do the job, that's what the heck you're paying them to do. Nobody just drops in at your job, without knowing anything about your job, and starts shouting things at you and telling you what you need to do to get better. If that's happening to you, then your job is either wayyyyyyyy too easy to do or you need better security at your job. Stop trying to coach from the bleachers. It's irritating, and more than likely you don't know what the f#@k you're talking about. Watch your kid, fine. Cheer for your kid, fine. But start barking instructions at your kid while the tennis pro is trying to teach? You need your @ss kicked.

5-0: How about turning off the television? A sport like tennis takes concentration. A kid needs to be able to concentrate for more than an hour. Most tennis lessons are about an hour. Most tennis matches last a little longer than an hour. How can a kid concentrate if you let them watch TV all the time? TV is built around pockets of "show" (sitcom, drama, reality, whatever) with these little breaks for commercials. At best, they can concentrate for about 12 or 13 minutes, and then they take a break for commercials. Some studies theorize that the commercials are really the "shows", that it's the ads that make TV what it is, and the TV shows we watch are just there to hook us to the tube so we can get blitzed by campaigns for new products. That means, viewers are concentrating for 5 minutes, at most, and then tuning out for the real "show" for 10 to 15 minutes at a time! Turn off the damn television! And for all those parents who say, "Well, my kid doesn't watch any television"? You're full of crap. Your kid sneaks it in when you're not looking or not around, because you aren't paying f*$king attention to what they do. I know this, because the kids tell me this. They tell me all about where they last saved in Grand Theft Auto, the new rated R movie they watched, and which housewife is their favorite on The Real Housewives of Whatever.  Pay a-f*!king-ttention.

6-0: Pay your instructor promptly and without fail. And, oh my goodness gracious, don't ever let your checks bounce.  More than likely, your tennis pro isn't getting paid enough to deal with your little obnoxious brat. At least pay them what you promised, and do it when you promised, okay?

Got it? Good. Have fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-)

Peace & U.S. Open tickets

So Homo: TV's Queerest Friendships...

that I can think of right now. 

I'm a big fan of film studies and what I've noticed is that while there aren't many gay plots on television or in movies the Queer Film Theorists really [from the few things I've read] seem talk about characters that can be perceived as gay or that challenge certain gender roles in different ways. One of those ways is with friendships.

Television

1. Boston Legal: Alan Shore and Denny Crane Part of me doesn't even feel a need to explain this one. I mean they get married at the end of the series. [Most awesome wedding ever.]

2. How I Met Your Mother: Barney and Marshal ["This is so going in my blog!"]
I mean they've kissed twice. {The second time was in a deleted scene}. And in one episode they were texting Ted pretending to be some girl and they kept fighting over Ted. It was so hilarious. However they love each other more. We all know it. 

"Here's the thing Barney, I'm snuggly. You're not. Who wouldn't wanna snuggle up to this business on a Sunday morning, wrapped in a comforter, and it's raining outside, and there's muffins warming in the oven. I'm cuddly bitch! Deal with it!" -Marshall explaining why he should be with Ted. 

3. Boy Meets World: Corey and Shawn.  They revel in innuendos and small jokes. I mean Shawn interrupts Corey and Topanga's wedding. I mean Corey loves Shawn more than Topanga anyway.


4.  Scrubs: Turk and J.D

5. Entourage. Entourage is so queer I might have to make a more developed list that's just for this one show. I mean there are so many friendships there that I"m having a hard time finding out exactly where they would fit so I"m just going to put the whole show at number 5.

•  Drama and Turtle: They win for Entourage because they had a threesome together and because Turtle let Drama kiss his girlfriend which to me says more about his closeness with Drama than with his girl. They've always been slightly bro-er than any good friendship. 
• Vince and E: Just like Cory and Shawn's relationship is a little queer. It consists of reminding each other how they've been friends for so long and  almost hindered E's ability to get with Sloan. Personally I think E got back with Sloan for the money and the connections.
• Ari & Lloyd: It's hard to know whether Ari loves Vince more than he loves Lloyd. I had to go with Lloyd. It's obvious that all of Ari's homophobic comments are really him over compensating.
• Ari & Vince: Wasn't it sweet how Ari greived when Vince fired him as his manager?

6. Family Guy: Stewie and Rupert
It was hard for me to decide whether it should be Stewie and Brian or Stewie and Rupert. But then I remember this clip and how Stewie and Brian went trying to find Rupert I realized that's true love.



7. How I met your mother: Lily and Robin
 Oh, Lily and Robin. Although they shared a short kiss they are this low on the list because of their lack of a mutual connection. Lily is  more into Robin than Robin is into Lily.

"Robin Scherbatsky is many things: friend; confidant; occasional guest star in some confusing dreams that remind me a woman's sexuality is a moving target, but she is no crazy, jealous stalker-bitch."- Lily telling Robin not to look inside Barney's brief case.

8. L Word: Kit and Ivan
They were almost in a relationship together Ivan bought Kit a car and helped pay for her business but as always things didn't work out.

 9. House: House and Wilson
Sigh. This one is also obvious.
"I'm gay!...Oh that's not what you meant. It would explain a lot, though: no girlfriend, always with Wilson, the obsession with sneakers..." - House


10. Modern Family: Cameron and Mitchell
Yes, I am aware that the characters here both gay and in a relationship together but unfortunately the show has failed when it comes to their romantic nature on the show that they might as well be friends. I mean they even hug like straight homophobes in a public place that think people are looking. The one kiss they had on the show was like in the back of the shot.They don't have to be Queer as Folk but a nice tiny Prime Time version of that.

Honorable Mention
Queer as Folk: Brian and Lindsay
We don't really live in a world where we have so many gay tv shows that it's possible to make a "TV's Straightest Friendships" list. If we did though Brian and Lindsay would be at the top of it. It's obvious how into each other they are and Lindsay seems to love Brian more than her own girlfriend anyway. Brian on the other hand loves Justin.



 

 Supernatural:   Sam and Dean.
Honorable Mention, because they are brothers and that's just creepy. Mentioned at all, because side characters on the show  perceive them to be gay all of the time, fan fiction sites are littered with Sam/Dean fan fiction [which the show has mocked], and because of some homophobia you see on the show. If there are any gay or rather queer ish side characters they are going to be vampires not the hunters.

A Few Things I Dig About Oprah

Oprah Winfrey is more than a talk show host(ess), she's an icon and a cultural phenomenon. Whether you ever watched her television show or not, you cannot say you've never heard of her. People who are serving life sentences in prison know who she is.  People who have been institutionalized in psych wards and don't know who they are know who she is. I'm convinced polar bears know who she is and are curious as to why she's never interviewed a penguin on her show. (Seriously, though, what's she got against penguins, yo?).  More than the adoration of an individual is a detailed study of what fascinates us about that individual. To map this out, here's a list of things I dig about Oprah:

1. Her name - it's unusual. I can't say I've ever met another person named "Oprah". I'm sure there's gotta be somebody else with that name, unless she trademarked it or something or made it so parents have to pay royalties on the use of that name for their children (oh, wait, that would go to Merv Griffin, hehe). Anyway, it's relatively unique. Unlike Barbara, Michelle, Laura, Hillary -- which just happen to be the names of First Ladies, by the way. Pretty generic. Hmm...*rubs chin*). Also, you can't say "O" in "Oprah" without looking like you're awestruck. Sweet name.

2. She's not Maury - There have been a truckload of loser nonsensical silly worthless punk @ss talk show hosts (and hostesses) but thank goodness Oprah isn't any of them. She's not Maury, the King of the paternity test. She's not Ricki Lake, the Makeover Queen. She's not the one who surprised a guest with a secret crush and got somebody killed (can't think of her name right now). Oprah is Oprah, and she doesn't do paternity tests or shows about people who would like to marry their cousins or whatever. She interviews celebrities, and does shows about issues.

3. She doesn't take any crap - You don't mess with Oprah. Remember the dude who wrote the memoir and we found out it was really fiction, and he had been on Oprah's show telling her all the details of his so-called life? When it came out that he hadn't been truthful, Oprah was pissed. She went on Larry King and was like, "Oh no this dude did not come up on my show and try to play me." Oprah cannot be played. She hauled the dude back on her show and proceeded to cuss him out, and then sent him to bed with no supper. That's what you get.

4. Oprah is never wrong - even when she's completely, 100% dead wrong, she's right. Not because if you look at it from her perspective she's right -- she's actually 100% dead wrong, from every perspective. But she doesn't think she is. Oprah uses mind control on reality and gets it to conform to her whims. Question, "Oprah, why don't you have rappers on your show?" Answer, "Because rap doesn't exist. What is this 'rap' of which you speak? I've never heard of it but it sounds like a novel idea".

5. Oprah knows more about politics than politicians -- she's better at politics and getting people involved than politicians. The only people doing it bigger in this regard are Bono (because he's awesome), Jon Stewart (because he's awesome) and his mini-me Stephen Colbert (because he's awesome at pretending he believes he's awesome for acting like a host on an MSNBC show). These others are awesome at rallying people together, but part of their appeal lies in what they do -- Bono is a supremely talented musician. Stewart and Colbert are really funny. They appeal to us because we tap into their talent. Oprah is just Oprah, and we know her for being Oprah. She's the first fully functioning celebrity who is really just known for being who she is. She's done some acting but it's not the main thing we know her for. She's not a comedian. She's not known for singing. If rap existed, I'm not sure she would be interested in it. I haven't seen her dance. I think we like her for her sincerity, and that's the kind of thing that moves people. That, and giving people cars and houses and sh!t.

6. She's sincere. - And she gives people cars and houses and sh*t.

7. She seems to enjoy our planet's resident musical genius, Prince Rogers Nelson. - Anybody who likes Prince has got to have some redeeming qualities. Oprah's got plenty.

Oprah and the Oprah Winfrey Show just can't be beat, Suckaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas!

Peace & TV listings

Why People Don't Wear Watches (With Thought Bubbles)

Okay, so, lately I've been asking folks who don't wear watches why they don't wear watches, especially people who are always running behind schedule. The question, which was deceptively complex and full of twists and turns, was, "Why don't you wear a watch?" and the answers were (with my unspoken thought bubbles in parentheses):

1. "For What?" ("Um, so you can figure out what time it is, you perennially behind schedule mothaf*!#er. What the f#2k are you using now, a sun dial?)

2. "Because I'm a boss, and things don't start until I get there" ("Right, that would be true, except everything seems to start without you, dude, seriously. Get an effing watch").

3. "Because it reminds me of handcuffs, and I'm not really into that." ("OMG, WTF?!")

4. "That's what I have a cell phone for." ("Pause -- no, that's not what phones are for. What do you do with a watch? Talk to other people like Penny from Inspector Gadget? What do you use an iron for -- an answering machine? C'mon").

5. "I lost my watch" ("Gee, I wish there was a way for you to get another one. Oh, I know, if only there were people who figured they could sell things like this and if only there could be a form of currency with which such items could be purchased. Oh, well." *shrug*)

6. "I like to be late" ("Wow...")

7. "My wrists are too thin, and the watch always slides up and down my arm, and it bothers me when I walk, drive, exercise, or use eating utensils" (No comment, just *gulp*).

8. "I'm afraid I will take it off and I will leave it at my girlfriend's house" ("And your wife will find out. I get it").

9. "I don't look good in a watch" ("What the hell types of watches are you wearing? You're not supposed to look like Flava Flav, you're just supposed to wear one on your wrist. If you need a dressing room to try on your watch, that joint is too big, for real")

10. "I don't like them" ("All right. Fair enough").

Peace & Timeliness

Reasons Why Lists Are Awesome

1. Order - Oh, the beauty of a list brings order out of the chaos of life. Lists make things manageable, palatable even, rather than the haphazard presentation of the mundane. This type of order, of course, is an illusion but that's part of the awesome-ness of it! People who say "ignorance" is bliss are wrong -- well, okay, if you're "ignorant", then it sounds right. But the real bliss is the illusion that you are getting what you want, that things are going the way you planned them. And you get to feel that way every time you track the footsteps of your thoughts with a super duper list. You get to feel like you are in...

2. Control - Slightly different than experiencing order instead of chaos. Who doesn't want "Control"? Seriously, where would Janet Jackson be without it? She'd be doing what her father said and letting her mother mold her. Where would Prince be without control? He'd be just another mere mortal.  I'll bet you these types of stars make lists. Musicians in general are fascinated by lists. On their album covers, they list the songs on their albums. They labor over the sequencing of an album. They know listeners like to make playlists.  They pay attention to Billboard lists of hot singles and albums. Critics make end-of-year lists about the best music released in a given period of time. It's all about control, and lists allow you to bend reality and manipulate perception. Lists are portals into alternate universes (no Fringe). Lists are awesome, and you too can be awesome for reading one.

3. Numbers - lists are best when they have numbers, and everybody knows numbers are awesome. Especially Roman Numerals, which are especially elegant and sophisticated (thought bubble: Roman = Italy = Opera = Love = Elegance = Sophistication = Order = Lists). Do you wanna be elegant and sophisticated? Hell yeah, you do. And you can, ya know. First, make a list. Feel the Order and Control of it all. Next, use numbers for your list, and if you want that elegant and sophisticated rapport with your reader, add some Roman Numbers up in this mug. Yeah, that's it. Like that. Eye-Ex the hell outta that list.  You'll be glad you did ;-)

4. Tough - That's right, lists are "tough", and by "tough" I don't mean they are difficult to put together. Some of them are, especially if you make a list about something and you don't know what the $#1! you're talking about. No, I mean "tough" as in "hardcore". Lists let people know you mean business, that you are not to be trifled with.  If somebody is getting on your nerves, and you wanna put 'em in their place, it's a good idea to drop a list on 'em. Some loser is ticking you off? You should be like, "Yo, first of all, motherf#Ak#r, you ain't all that. Second of all, you're an Urkel-sized dork and a nincompoop and that's why you're about to lose your job. And, third, I'm about to twist yo' punk @ss up into a pretzel." See? The fact that you can even make a list at all shows that you ain't playing. Who makes a list when they're ticked off? Who does that? That's crazy! Only the strongest willed among us can pull it off. It shows presence of mind, and a commitment to never cracking under pressure.

5. Sexy - lists are sexy. They must be. That's why when the women-centered magazines talk about "How to Sex Your Man Crazy" and "Things You Don't Know About Your Man's Pillow Talk", they give it to you in a list. It's "Three Sexual Positions to Make Him Stop Thinking About Your Roommate" or "Five Sexy Colors That Will Hypnotize Him" or "Four Shades of Lipstick That Force Him to Listen".  It's always a list. Lists evoke sexiness. And lists are sexy in and of themselves. The next time you're trying to impress a potential significant other, make a list right in front of them. Strike up a conversation as you normally would (because walking up to a stranger and showing them a list is kind of Stephen King-y) and when the conversation starts going in the right direction and you want to convince them that you'd be a great person to date, give them a list of fun things you'd like to do with them. If you like, you can borrow some items from a list in a women's magazine. I'm sure there's a list of "Ten Things You Should Tell A Potential Mate If You Want to Show Them Your Sexy Side" at a local checkout counter near you.

Peace & Lots o' listings