Just Like Candy

You like candy, I suppose. Of course you do! Who doesn't? Here are some of my favorite candies (and candy bars):

1. Mike 'N' Ikes: I'm totally confused as to who "Mike" and "Ike" are. There are a lot of cool "Mike"s. Michael Douglas. Michael Jackson. Michael Jordan. Michael Landon. Michael Madsen. Michael J. Fox. There are some losers too. Take Michael Dukakis, for example. But I can only think of one "Ike" that has a great reputation. Dwight Eisenhower is sometimes called "Ike". But his name doesn't come up when people are talking about great Presidents or anything. There's also Ike Turner, but again, not a great rep. I think people sometimes refer to Isaac Hayes as "Ike". Now, Isaac Hayes always struck me as amazingly cool and awesome. Regardless of who Mike and Ike are, their candy is the bomb. There's a citrus flavor that's totally amazing, but the tropical and original flavors are great too. They look like big @ss prescription pills, so you can pretend you're self-medicating. Hmm...that sounded a lot better in theory than in actual description.

2. Twix: What the f*$k is Twix? A pair of nun chucks? I don't even get it, but it's just so uncommonly good. It's got that whole nougat thing happening so you break it apart and little strings of synthetic goodness stretch like a spider web from one side to the other. Twix is just two sticks of chocolate-covered awesomeness. I can't figure out why there are two sticks there, or what the point of it all is. Why is it even called "Twix"? Sounds like a word a poet from the 1700s would try to roll with. Heaven most be made out of nougat, and I absolutely ride for nougat. Sh!t is ridonkulous.

3. Peppermint Candy - This is so old school, but if you're not down with peppermint candy, son, I don't know about you or your politics. Peppermint candy has the red and white from the American flag, so you really oughta know that, here in the United States, peppermint candy is a measure of your patriotism. No doubt. Peppermint is just so gangsta the way it goes all up in your nostrils and makes you feel like you're smelling the purest part of the air. It cranks up the oxygen to a high molecular level and takes you up to the heavens.  In the Bible's Book of Genesis, when the Lord says, "Let us make man," He handed out peppermints to whomever he was saying that to and they were like, "Dag, bro, this is good. You made this? My God!" The York Peppermint Patty falls into this spot as well.

4. Kit Kat -- Kind of like the Twix thing, but a little smaller. I like the chocolate combined with the wafers. It's got a nice taste, kind of coconut-y, although I realize manufacturers sometimes use chocolate to cover up things that are spoiled, old, and rancid. But so what? It's candy, right? Any-whoo, I like the way Kit Kat looks - like 4 little brown bars, which reminds me of gold bars. If you don't like gold, you're just not human.

I don't love Kit Kat's advertising campaign with all that "Gimme a break" stuff and "Break me off a piece of that" nonsense. It's stupid. Yeah, you eat Kit Kat by breaking it off but that's fairly obvious. It basically has seams in the candy that practically demand you to break it apart. The commercial is supposed to tell you stuff you don't know about the product. What's the next Kit Kat ad campaign going to be, "Swallow the food! Swallow the food! Swallow that Kit Kat and digest that bar!" Duh.

5. Almond Joy - If you like almonds and you like joy, you've got to dig this. Coconut, chocolate, and almonds are delish! Almond Joy is so f#!king good, I don't know why they kept making Mounds. Everybody knows Mounds sucks and I don't know a single person who eats it.  Terrible. Almond Joy, on the other hand, is as good as its name implies.

6. Sour anythings. Sour worms. Sour bears. Sour candies are awesome, they kick you in the back of the throat but then they get sweet in your stomach. That ish is crazy! Love me some sour stuff. Any kind, any brand. Bring it on.

Peace & Good Hygiene! ! !