Seven Dirty Words That Make You Look Like Bad Parents

Well, it's no secret that I don't like children. I mean, I like them in theory, as something to wished-for in the not-so-near future, or as something to think about wistfully but without much regard for how realistic it would be to have them. I'm on the fence about having my own kids, so you know I'm decidedly in the "nay" column when it comes to dealing with other people's kids. I give tennis lessons to children, and I can tell you that you might not know your little brats as well as you think you do. For starters, they are saying things they shouldn't say, and they are probably making you look like you're an unfit parent. The list below tells the truth about what your 10-and-unders are saying when you're not around and when you hope no one is listening:

1. Dang it.  Actually, some of them say "damn it". That's right, at 9 and 10 years old, they say this, and it is disgusting.

2. Freaking or Frigging. They say stuff like, "I forgot to bring my freaking water bottle." This is a gateway word. They are a hairline fracture away from saying the real thing.

3. Heck. I hate it when they say, "What the heck?" as much as The Notorious B.I.G. used to like it when people called him "Big Poppa".  "Heck" is too close to "hell", which, by the way, a few of them are saying too.

4. Douche or Douche bag.  Admittedly, I haven't heard a kid younger than 10 call someone a douche or a douche bag but coming from a 10 year old this is pretty bad anyway, wouldn't you say?

5. No.  This word is absolutely appropriate when talking to strangers or monsters hiding in the closet or the Grim Reaper. But kids are getting a little too good at saying "No" in response to clear and necessary instructions from authority figures, teachers, and the like. Lately, my solution has been to make them run 2 miles around the nearby track when I don't get my instructions followed.  You bet your freaking bottom dollar that dang thing works like a charm.

6. Sucks. This word shouldn't be used without a direct object and, therefore, probably shouldn't be used by your sucky, obnoxious child.

7. Can't. When any child says s/he can't do something, a little piece of your heart should crumble, fall away, and get blown by a gust of wind. Children need to be more positive (because when you suck like they do, you need to learn to roll with the punches).

Peace & Celibacy!