Friday, July 6, 2012

Prince Post (Part 3)

And the list of Prince albums containing references to specific individuals -- goes on:

13. Graffiti Bridge (1990): This album is a soundtrack for a not-so-great movie.  The soundtrack is filled with Prince plus his various guests and movie costars: The Time, Tevin Campbell, George Clinton, and Mavis Staples.  That last singer, Ms. Staples, sings a song called "Melody Cool". There's the reference to the specific person!

14. Diamonds & Pearls (1991): A very strong commercial showing, this one. In the song titles, "Daddy Pop" is the specific character reference. Not exactly sure who or what "Daddy Pop" actually is, though. Elsewhere, the song "Thunder" has the line, "Promise to see Jesus in the morning light," so there's that reference, and then in "Gett Off", there's the line, "I clocked the jizz from a friend of yours named Vanessa Bett." I get that "Vanessa Bett" is a person. I don't get what "clocked the jizz" means, but that's another topic for another time.

15. The Love Symbol Album (1992): This is a rock opera of sorts, with segues featuring Kirstie Ally as a pesky reporter named "Vanessa Bartholomew".  Bingo, there's a reference! Also, the opener "My Name is Prince" introduces our hero in fine form as he is trying to whoo the Princess of Cairo, who would be played by dancer-who-became-wife-then-divorced-and-became-actress Mayte Garcia. So "Prince" is a character in his own opera. Don't get mad and call it "egotistical". Write your own opera. If I wrote an opera I wouldn't be scared to cast myself as "me".  Another song is "Sweet Baby" but I don't know if we can consider that specific enough. On the other hand, I did go for "Baby" on the very first album, so *shrug* maybe.

16. Come (1994): The song "Papa" outlines domestic violence and abuse. I don't need to say more.

17. The Gold Experience (1995): Many a Prince fan will tell you that "Come" and "Gold" should have been combined into a single awesome album. Perhaps. In the meantime, the specific reference here is "Billy Jack Bitch", which may or may not be about a columnist who talked all kinds of ish about our boy. Who knows.

18. Chaos & Disorder (1996): "Dinner with Delores" reminds me of Prince's Around the World in a Day album. Just me? I think not! It's got some killer, funny lines in it too: "Damn, Delores, pick another subject, please / Introduce the carpet to something other than your knees". Bam. "Zannalee" is another namedropping track. Not really sure what the deal is with the character, though, but the guitar totally and completely rawks your face off!

19. Emancipation (1996): This is 3CDs of goodies. Prince pays homage to himself, or some permutation thereof, in "Mr. Happy". In "Friend, Lover, Sister, Mother/Wife", he pays homage to his woman, who at the time was Mayte. Out of 3 hours of music, Prince doesn't really do his "character reference" trick on this. My theory is that this album, which is his first fully realized taste of "freedom" from his Warner Brothers contract, was meant to be personal and motivated by his life at the time. So it's really about him and where he was back then, not about creating narrators or speculating about the lives of others.

Peace, for now, and Prince-ly-ness!


Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Seven Dirty Words That Make You Look Like Bad Parents

Well, it's no secret that I don't like children. I mean, I like them in theory, as something to wished-for in the not-so-near future, or as something to think about wistfully but without much regard for how realistic it would be to have them. I'm on the fence about having my own kids, so you know I'm decidedly in the "nay" column when it comes to dealing with other people's kids. I give tennis lessons to children, and I can tell you that you might not know your little brats as well as you think you do. For starters, they are saying things they shouldn't say, and they are probably making you look like you're an unfit parent. The list below tells the truth about what your 10-and-unders are saying when you're not around and when you hope no one is listening:

1. Dang it.  Actually, some of them say "damn it". That's right, at 9 and 10 years old, they say this, and it is disgusting.

2. Freaking or Frigging. They say stuff like, "I forgot to bring my freaking water bottle." This is a gateway word. They are a hairline fracture away from saying the real thing.

3. Heck. I hate it when they say, "What the heck?" as much as The Notorious B.I.G. used to like it when people called him "Big Poppa".  "Heck" is too close to "hell", which, by the way, a few of them are saying too.

4. Douche or Douche bag.  Admittedly, I haven't heard a kid younger than 10 call someone a douche or a douche bag but coming from a 10 year old this is pretty bad anyway, wouldn't you say?

5. No.  This word is absolutely appropriate when talking to strangers or monsters hiding in the closet or the Grim Reaper. But kids are getting a little too good at saying "No" in response to clear and necessary instructions from authority figures, teachers, and the like. Lately, my solution has been to make them run 2 miles around the nearby track when I don't get my instructions followed.  You bet your freaking bottom dollar that dang thing works like a charm.

6. Sucks. This word shouldn't be used without a direct object and, therefore, probably shouldn't be used by your sucky, obnoxious child.

7. Can't. When any child says s/he can't do something, a little piece of your heart should crumble, fall away, and get blown by a gust of wind. Children need to be more positive (because when you suck like they do, you need to learn to roll with the punches).

Peace & Celibacy!




Sunday, July 1, 2012

Ten TV Show Themes That Rock

Theme songs from television shows used to be a signature aspect of the TV landscape. They were crafted to be catchy and easy to remember and easy to associate with the underlying program. Viewers were able to glean the gist of the show from the intro. If you listen closely, you'll see a trend amongst theme songs in the 1970s and 1980s -- there's a trend of upward mobility, personal progress, and keeping things simple (i.e. focusing on what's important in life, rather than extravagance). The list below brings you a few of our favorite TV themes:

1. Who's the Boss: This is a corny theme song, but it gets me right in the gut every time and chokes me up a little bit. It makes me long for the '80s! (Please note: I'm not talking about the first season's rendition of the theme song. There's something off about that one. I like the one in the later seasons).

 

2. Laverne & Shirley - This song is so grrrrrl power, and I love it! We're gonna make our dreams come true! Do it! Do it! Do it!


3. Alice - This song is really great. I thought it summed up the "Alice" experience to perfection. It's got the empowerment vibe going and it's kind of bluesy too.


 

4. The Mary Tyler Moore Show: Yep, this is sheer ear candy. It's uplifting as all get out, and it makes you want to go out, throw your hat in the air, and conquer the stinkin' world.  What I don't love is that it's being sung by a man, but that's okay. He's got a nice voice on him.


5. Barnaby Jones: "Barnaby Jones" was played by Buddy Epson, the dude on the Beverly Hillbillies who used to eat dinner on the pool table. He was a cop. This song doesn't have any words except for the narrator coming in to tell everybody stuff about the credits of the show. But this song bumps. I'm surprised some rap artist hasn't sampled it yet (yes, I'm looking at you, P. Diddy). If this song doesn't make you want to go out and fight crime or slap the mess outta somebody, then you don't have a pulse.


6. Kim Possible: Yeah, I said it. This song has no business being mentioned ahead of a bunch of other themes, but whatever. It's Christina Milian putting in work, so take that, Haters. And, yes, a crime-fighting teenage girl who is also smart is a rare combo on this here planet Earth, so take some more of that with a little bit of this, Naysayers! Bonus fact: I know all the words to this song, including the background vocals. What up.


7. The Golden Girls: This song is just iconic and sums up this show's stance on friendship that goes well beyond age and socially constructed demographics.

 

8.  Perry Mason: Epic stuff right here. This is the type of music you want to hear playing behind you when you need to do something heroic. Like stand in line at the DMV. Or report for Jury Duty. Or use the self checkout machine at the grocery store. Epic $h!t.



9. Mad Men: This theme was crafted by none other than hip-hop deejay RJD2. Very sleek and modern, sort of like the show itself even though it's a period piece.

 

10. Hart to Hart: This show was unintentionally hilarious! It was about a crime-fighting millionaire married couple. Only in the Reagan Era! The introduction to the show, however, is killer.


Peace & More Jingles!


Dallas is Back (Part 4)

When I first heard "Dallas" was coming to TNT, I was skeptical and, frankly, I didn't expect to write anything about it. I didn't even expect to watch it, really. But with 2012 being the ginormous suck-fest that it is, plus the miserable television fare we are all being subjected to on a daily basis, I'm afraid "Dallas" is becoming a winner in a crowd of losers. Or, at the very least, "Dallas" isn't as big of a loser as most of the others.

In case no one realized it, Larry Hagman is absolutely killing his reprisal of his classic '80s role as scheming oil tycoon John Ross ("J.R.") Ewing, Jr. This dude (the actor as well as the character) is just on another level, compared to the other characters/actors on the show as well as those outside of the "Dallas" universe. Sure, there are other characters that we might say we "love to hate", but none of them does it with such surefire ease and pizzazz as Mr. Larry Hagman. He's a joy to watch, even when the material doesn't live up to the task, and especially when the other characters (particularly the younger ones) fail to excite. And they fail often.

Here are a few observations I have about Larry Hagman as "J.R. Ewing" in the TNT "Dallas" reboot:

1. Hagman still has his trademark grin and his undeniable swagger. This dude had swag before anybody ever called it "swag". It's the grin that seals it. Hagman just seems to morph into this character as soon as the director says, "Action!" He is totally immersed. Evidently, he was born for this role. It's in his DNA. I wish he could do this forever. I'd watch it. Of course, I'd also have to live forever to watch it, so there's a bit of a snag. But I will work that out and then work out the logistics for Hagman and that'll be that. The other characters are superfluous anyway, except maybe the guy playing Cliff Barnes. That dude is excellent too.

2. Hagman's age (he's 80, I think) affects the realism of what the character can do. Luckily, the J.R. Ewing character wasn't much of a fighter. He got into a few scrapes and every so often he got a good punch off, but usually he was getting thrown into a pool or cracked across the jaw or pushed off a building or shot at, so he's not really comfortable as the aggressor. That's great because JR Ewing is too old to be fist fighting. He's better at chess.

3. The biggest issue for Hagman's age then is the fact that his character can't really seduce women the way he used to. The character incorporated something about this in the first few episodes, sort of letting you know that he's not going to be the ladies man he used to be. Thank goodness for that, because it's not necessary. NO-body wants to see that. However, that presents a problem, because JR Ewing was always good at getting what he wanted, and sometimes that meant seducing a woman for his own economic benefit, not just for the pleasure of the conquest. So, the downside here is that we're losing a vital side of this character, a memorable side at that, and there isn't any way to substitute for it. Tough break there, JR.

4. There is a lot of double dealing and backstabbing on this show, far more than there was on the original drama. Oh yes, there were plenty of agendas back in the 1980s, but the "Dallas" reboot has found a way to pit every single character into the central mix with a specific stake in the outcome. Everybody has something to lose. This, I think, is a tribute to Hagman's style and the legend of his character. If you let JR Ewing back in the oil game, that means other people have to be up to the task or else he's going to destroy them in two episodes. This way, everybody is trying to double cross everyone else, so the stakes are higher and maybe even JR Ewing won't see everything coming. Also, when some of the actors/actresses are as dull as these people are, twisting up the plot a bit makes sense.

5. JR Ewing really needs to teach his son, John Ross Ewing III, how to be more charming. This kid is too brash, too abrasive, too under-confident. Maybe that's the result of the back-story in which JR failed to spend time with his son. So his son has daddy issues. Maybe. But I think it would have been more fascinating to find someone with the charisma to go toe-to-toe with the old man, really challenge him and take him on.

Peace & JR Ewing Forever!

Prince (Part 2)

More about the specific people referenced on Prince's albums in the list below:


7. Around the World in a Day (1985): The referenced individual is not listed in the song title, but you will find a woman named "Electra" who loved a king in the song "the Ladder". Also, in "Condition of the Heart", there is a story of a "woman whom he sent a letter to / hoping she would answer back". The woman remains nameless, though. As much as this might hurt the validity of my theory, I reserve the right to note that this album does showcase a specific place, "Paisley Park", which became the name of Prince's studio and boutique record label. This album was Prince's first to feature the swirling "Paisley Park" logo.

8. Parade/Music from the Motion Picture "Under the Cherry Moon" (1986): This, like "Purple Rain", is a soundtrack. "Parade" is a fantastically eclectic album, even more so than Prince's usual throw-in-the-kitchen-sink approach. The movie features a playboy named Christopher Tracy, and that's the specific reference for the album in songs like "Christopher Tracy's Parade" and the heartbreaking album closer, "Sometimes It Snows In April" (he begins, "Tracy died soon after a long fought civil war").

9. Sign O The Times (1987): Hailed by some, including this writer, as Prince's masterpiece, it features "The Ballad of Dorothy Parker". Doesn't seem to be about the real life Dorothy Parker but whatever, it's still a named person, so there.

10. The Black Album (1994): This album was intended to follow "Sign O the Times" but it was shelved, heavily bootlegged, and then released in 1994. Features the song "Cincy C.", about a model. It also features a trippy, malevolently executed (slowed down vocals) song called "Bob George". I'm thinking "Bob George" is a manager. The lead vocal asks, "What's he do for a living? Manage rock stars! Who? Prince? Ain't that a b*tch? That skinny motherf*cka with the high voice?"

11. LoveSexy (1988): This album contains the timeless jam "Anna Stesia". In "Dance On", some dude named "Little Talk Johnny" managed to mess up "the big score", for which "the gang nailed his feet to a wooden floor." Hmmm.... Also, the overall theme of this album is one of those good/bad, heaven/hell dichotomies, wherein "LoveSexy" represents the good and the godly and "Spooky Electric" represents the bad and the bawdy. "LoveSexy" vs. "Spooky Electric" references show up all over this LP.

12. Batman (1989): Yes, this is a soundtrack for the Batman movie so the songs are pretty much geared toward the movie characters. Prince makes it so each song has lead vocals "by" a particular character, whether it's Batman, Bruce Wayne, Joker, or Vicki Vale. "Partyman", featured in the movie, is by Joker. "Vicki Waiting" laments the Batman/Bruce Wayne mind state that keeps love at bay in favor of crime fighting. Deep stuff, in my opinion, and taken as a whole I don't think this album gets half of the recognition it deserves.



Peace & Paisley Park in your heart!

The Worst Things About Summer

Once upon a time, there was a season called Summer, and it was a very very good season indeed. It was a time for fun and frolic, a time when relatives would come together for reunions or birthdays, a time when brides would look forward to weddings, and a time when the world in general seemed at peace. Now? Utopia has collapsed. Somebody paved paradise and put up a Wal-Mart! It is so not fun. Why? Because Summer has developed a few weaknesses that make it a more difficult season than it used to be, especially compared to the relative spike in popularity of Spring, Autumn, and Winter.

The list below explains a few of the reasons why Summer blows:


1. It's too hot. I don't know if it's global warming or an ozone eating virus eating away at the atmosphere or what, but it's just too hot. That's all there is to it. I don't get it. People are passing out, getting sick, and having all sorts of health problems. It's too hot. Knock it off, Sun. You've made your point. We get it. You're hot.

2. The Power goes out. Seriously, it never fails. As soon as it gets hot, the power companies decide they can't compete with the heat in terms of air conditioning and fans and all that jazz, so they wimp out and lose power. Oh, sure, they'll say there was a traffic accident that caused the problem or they just had a general maintenance issue, but basically they don't want you to know that they can't handle their business because then they know people will get disgruntled. So they act like they had some random, freakish incident that blew the power. When the power comes back on, people will be too grateful (and drained of energy) to complain. Get you energy game up, Power Companies. We're on to you.

3. Your kids are in my camp. Well, I don't run ALL camps. But you know what I mean. Parents are like, "Oh, snap, my kid isn't in school right now, and I don't know what to do with this brat. I'm not gonna let Timmy/Jenny ruin my summer. I'll put them in camp!" And that's how a parent transforms their own crappy summer into someone else's crappy summer. Voila! Besides my general disdain for other people's offspring, you ought to know that your kids are as obnoxious when you're not around as they are when you're standing next to them. Get your parenting game up, y'all. For real.

4. It's too short. As much as I hate the hotness of it, and as sick as I am of your children, you've got to admit it would be nice if this season could be longer (and perhaps a few degrees cooler).

Peace & Humidity!

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Birthday of Prince Rogers Nelson (Part 1)

Now, as everyone who knows me can attest, I am a fanatic for one Mr. Prince Rogers Nelson and his music. Correction. I am a fanatic for his music. I'm afraid if I ever met the musician, I might not like him. In fact, I'm always afraid of this when it comes to celebrities, mainly because it seems like every celebrity I actually meet finds a way to behave like a jerk. Two exceptions would be hip-hop producer 9th Wonder, who is awesome and extremely down to earth, and Kim Fields, who played "Tootie" on The Facts of Life sitcom. So there's that.

Anyhoo, I love Prince's music. Since I refuse to get wrapped up in the man himself, I do acknowledge his birthday at the beginning of June (the 7th), but I find it useful to celebrate when I get good and ready, as long as I observe it in June. Prince's music is quite fascinating. One thing I've noticed about it, that I don't think I've heard anybody mention, is that Prince's albums usually have a song making reference to a specific person. Sometimes the person is named directly, as in "Darling Nikki". Sometimes the name is implied or the person is referred to by what they do "Lady Cab Driver" or who they are "Baby".

The list below shows the Prince album, followed by the person referenced by a song on the album. Explanations and commentary only where needed:

1. For You (1978). Song: "Baby": "Baby, what are we gonna do?" Young parents worried about having a baby, but the lyrics are also written so that the speaker could be addressing the baby directly.

2. Prince (1979). Song: "Bambi": Bambi cheated on the narrator with another woman. "Bambi, can't you understand? / Bambi, it's better with a man". Oh, apparently not.

3. Dirty Mind (1980). Song: "Sister": So...there seems to be some inappropriate intimacy happening here.

4. Controversy (1981). Songs: "Ronnie, Talk to Russia", "Annie Christian". Obviously, "Ronnie" references President Ronald Reagan and the song goes didactic over the cold war with Russia. "Annie Christian" seems to be a composite of all things that are "anti-Christian", so it's a play on words.

5. 1999 (1982). Song: "Lady Cab Driver". Why Prince likes taxi cabs so much is beyond me. He mentioned living in taxi cabs in "Annie Christian" on the last album. Weird.

6. Purple Rain (1984). Song: "Darling Nikki". Okay, Nikki was a superfreak (with all due respect to Rick James).

...To be continued...

Peace & Princely funk!